All of us have experienced a social situation where we were the life of the party. A time when you were socially savvy, confident, witty, and everyone wanted to be a part of your reality.
On the other hand, all of us have also experienced a time when we were trapped in our heads, unable to have fun, and being absolutely roasted by others who were disgusted by our need for validation.
It’s interesting how in the first scenario we’re able to effortlessly make fine-tuned adjustments, and witty jokes, while in the second scenario we’re awkward, and struggle to think of anything to say.
If you’ve experienced both scenarios you’ll likely agree that during the second scenario you feel stupid, and it almost seems like your brain just isn’t working properly. You’re right, and here’s why.
Have you ever noticed that you tend to be the most charismatic around people you feel entitled to? Around a cute girl you can be charismatic, but around the obese, warlock woman you’ll struggle to be charismatic because your brain doesn’t see any payoff to being engaged.
On the other hand most guys will also struggle to remain charismatic, and experience noticeable to crippling anxiety around their version of a dream girl, or perfect “10.” Why? Because they don’t feel entitled to her. They have a success barrier.
When you don’t feel entitled to a relationship with another person you’re brain literally begins functioning at a lower level in their presence. But doesn’t it make sense for our DNA to spread itself among the most desirable women?
On one level yes, but because of cavemen times your brain believes that if you steal the alpha male’s wife he’s going to smash a rock over your head, and kill you. Therefore, if you believe you have low status in a social situation, your brain will begin shutting down for your own self-preservation.
As a result you’ll find that the type of relationships you’re able to attract are almost proportional to what you feel entitled to. What you believe you deserve will often become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Social skills are obviously important as well, but being in a position that allows you to have an unshakeable confidence in yourself will often cause you to adopt the social behaviors that others deem attractive.
If you’re in a position that causes you to believe you lack social value, you’re outward behaviors will usually reflect this. You’ll begin talking more quickly, trying to seek validation, and otherwise engaging in low value behaviors.
And If You Lack Unshakeable Confidence…?
Develop it. Understand that you have an inherent value as a human being, and that confidence comes from being the person you want to be. Also understand, however, that you don’t need to wait until you’ve achieved all your goals to feel confident.
As long as you’re doing your best, and making progress towards your goals give yourself permission to fully accept, and love yourself. If you haven’t been doing your best, forgive yourself, make adjustments, and understand that you’re no longer the same person who made those mistakes in the past.
Develop situational confidence if you’d like, but more importantly put yourself in situations you find frightening to force yourself to develop core confidence. If talking to strangers scares you… Talk to strangers! Who cares if society says doing so is weird?
Also realize that nobody wants to be put on a pedestal. Hot girls get creeped out when guys worship them, and cool guys just want someone that knows how to chill, and have a good time.
You’re going to show off your best personality traits in the situations that both engage your brain, and are in your comfort range of success.
If you want to improve your social success the most important things you can do are:
- Develop your social skills by acquiring a massive number of social reference experiences.
- Use meditation and other techniques to become more engaged with the process of socializing.
- Develop core-confidence/Realize there’s no reason you’re not enough.
- Finally, increase the level of success you’re comfortable with achieving.
Picture was taken May 2013 of me at school the day of my variety show performance last year.
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