Social Momentum, Assuming Value, And Eliminating Outcome Dependence

Homecoming is an interesting high school tradition. It’s a time when hundreds of overly stressed high school students come together and are able to be completely free, dance, and let loose once a year.

Or, for many introverts it’s a depressing time where they’re forced to examine their social skills and the absolute awkwardness of their behavior. I’ve experienced Homecoming from both perspectives, and though a lot of tears were shed during my awkward times they were also instrumental in producing the emotional leverage that catapulted me into being able to experience social abundance and have the best night of my life this past Homecoming.

Freshmen year I gathered the courage to ask a beautiful girl to Homecoming and she said yes. I was a bit of a goof, and try-hard back then, but we still had a lot of fun together and despite my shyness on the dance floor I still danced with a couple girls, but I’d get jealous whenever another guy would dance with my date.

Sophomore year’s Homecoming was one of the roughest nights of my life. I didn’t decide until the last minute that I was going to go, and when I got there I completely trapped myself in the head. I didn’t dance with a single girl, and I spent the majority of the night standing alone on the outskirts of the dance floor in a self-loathing state while enviously watching the rest of my peers having the night of their lives. I even saw my dream girl standing alone at one point, and had the perfect opportunity to dance with her, but I was being such a bitch I wasn’t able to do even that. The night ended with me going to my venting buddy’s after party, having a nervous break down, and crying about how I’ve never loved anyone or been loved back. Ouch.

This year was different though. My personal growth has been progressing at a frantic pace since starting in February of this year, and for the first time in my life I’ve little social inhibitions after making social skills and relationships a big focus in the second half of 2013.

Like Freshmen year I again went with a beautiful girl, but unlike Freshmen year I made sure we were going to have the night of our lives. I danced with dozens of girls, had some amazing moments with my date, and was completely free and present to the moment. It was a far outcry from the depressing experience I had with Homecoming last year, and it was without a doubt the best night of my life.

More than that, however, these last few years of Homecoming have also taught me a lot about social dynamics as well. They’ve given me a number of key paradigm shifts which I’m certain will greatly improve your relationships if you apply them in your own life.

#1 Establish Positive Social Momentum Spirals Early In The Night.

I’ve previously written a post about the importance of social momentum, but it’s an idea well worth repeating. What’s the biggest difference between someone who’s stuck in their head in the corner of the dance floor versus someone who’s dancing with dozens of chicks and having the night of their lives? Social momentum.

If you go to Homecoming, or a club, or really any social event for that matter momentum is huge. Ideally you’d build macro-momentum by being social in the days leading up to a social event, but likely even more important is building micro-momentum the second you enter the venue.

Last year at Homecoming I felt awkward when I got on the dance floor so instead of dancing, I got a drink then checked my phone then went to the bathroom, and because I wasn’t being social I was being drawn more and more into my head.

When we enter a new environment it’s natural to have some level of social inhibition because in the cavemen days entering a new environment or talking to a new tribe was potentially dangerous, thus through evolution we’ve developed a type of unconscious paradigm that the best thing to do in a new environment is to be quiet, and avoid drawing attention to ourselves.

It makes sense that we’ve developed this type of mindset considering our evolutionary upbringing, but in modern civilization it’s a paradigm that’s for the most part obsolete.

Fortunately, it’s also something that’s simple, though admittedly not easy to overcome. The solution? When you enter a new environment begin socializing immediately, and take actions that catapult you out of spectator mode and provide your brain with proof you’re not in a threatening environment.

For example, instead of nervously watching others dance from the outskirts of the dance floor, force yourself to dance with someone. Then force yourself to dance with someone else. Hell, you can even dance with yourself to get started in building momentum.

Make it a point to spend less than 30 seconds in between interactions/dance partners, and you’ll quickly develop social momentum, become more present to the moment, and really enjoy yourself in the process. Do this as quickly as possible too.

Think of social momentum as a battery needing to be charged. If you start the night at 50% you steadily lose your charge every moment you’re not interacting with someone. Every time you dance with someone you’re battery gains a couple percentage points.

The more charged your battery is the easier you’re able to start new conversations, or find new dance partners. Conversely the less of a charge you have the more difficult it is to be social. It’s possible to turn your night around after spending the first half of it being unsocial, but doing so is difficult and you’ll find that the beginning of your nights will often dictate how the rest of your night plays out.

This is obviously an oversimplification, but it’s an interesting analogy you can use to think about social momentum. At any given moment you’re either building momentum, or losing it. There’s no in-between. Socially successful people consistently establish positive momentum spirals early in the night. Those who struggle socially don’t.

#2 Assume Value.

When you’re talking to someone, or you want to dance with someone, or whatever it is you want to do; assume value. What does this mean? It means you’re coming from the giver’s mindset rather than trying to leech off other people.

Todd of RSD refers to this as being the Kool-Aid man of your social event. Wherever you decide to go that’s where the party’s going to be. You amplify your own state and emotions through being clear in your intent and doing the things you want to do, and through the law of state transference others get to experience the same positive emotions you do. You liven up the atmosphere, and others enjoy your company because when you’re around it’s easier for them to enjoy themselves.

Now how do you cultivate this assumption of value? Partially it’s from things like developing your core confidence through living in alignment with your values, developing your own social skills, and establishing positive social momentum, but a key paradigm shift that’ll instantly improve your ability to assume value is the realization that you have an inherent value simply by being a human being.

Human beings enjoy the company of other humans, and thus simply through your own existence you have an inherent value to others. This is one of the most significant epiphanies you’ll ever have, and once you’re able to internalize it you’ll find your relationships with others dramatically improve.

In practical terms this means developing the ability to simply be yourself, and not having a need to qualify yourself, or prove your worth to others.

When you’re on the dance floor this means making eye contact with a girl, pulling her in, and dancing your ass off with her. There’s no need to seek permission in what you’re doing because you know she’s going to have a good time.

This obviously doesn’t mean forcing her to do things she doesn’t want to do, but unless she gives you with a firm NO you make the fundamental assumption that she’s going to have a good time and an amazing experience with you.

#3 Eliminate Your Outcome Dependence By Cultivating Abundance.

When you’re in a social interaction there’s always going to be one person who’s more heavily reacting to the other person, and whoever’s less reactive is ultimately going to control where the interaction goes.

This is neither good nor bad. It just is. Fortunately, there’s a way to dramatically reduce your dependence on the outcome of a given social interaction, and that’s by cultivating a sense of abundance.

People do this in different ways, but the important thing is you find a strategy or combination of strategies that work for you.

One way people develop abundance is through happiness and satisfaction of their lifestyle. They may develop a happy neurology by practicing mediation, eating healthy food, exercising, working in a fulfilling career, and by finding hobbies they enjoy.

The other main methods of developing social abundance are through establishing an abundant social life, and the internalization of beliefs relating to social abundance.

I think lifestyle development is pretty self-explanatory. It’s something I’ve dedicated the last few years of my life to, and already written dozens of blog posts about, so we’ll instead focus on beliefs and actions you can take to develop social abundance.

Freshmen year at Homecoming I was needy with my girl because she’s all I had. I didn’t dance with other chicks, because I just wanted her. Unfortunately, like most decisions there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about things and I did things the wrong way.

When you’ve got a girl who you like the last thing you want to do is get clingy. If a reasonably desirable girl identifies your needy behaviors you’re fucked. It’s okay to selectively choose a girl, but a major part of human psychology is to attract a partner who will provide you with validation, so if a girl sees that she’s the only girl you’re capable of attracting your fucked.

Conversely, you also can’t pretend not to be needy. She’ll see your lack of congruence, and misalignment between your thoughts, words, and actions. The solution? Develop an abundant reality where neediness is a nonissue.

A big joke in the pick-up community is that the moment you get a crush on a girl you need to go get 10 other girls. It sounds shallow, and stupid, but it’s not.

The majority of “crushes” are merely infatuation, and you glorifying someone simply because you’re coming from a place of scarcity. When you’re meeting your relationship needs you’ll find you have a much greater capacity to see people for what they really are.

If after getting 10 other girls there’s still something special about her you’ve probably found a keeper, conversely if the attraction fades you’ll know it was merely an infatuation derived from desperation, and you coming from a place of scarcity.

Additionally, if you do decide to pursue a girl after getting 10 others you’ll no longer be coming from a place of scarcity, and because you won’t be as outcome dependent and reaction seeking with her you’ll have a much better chance of actually attracting her.

If you’re more focused on developing a social circle the best thing you can do aside from cold approach is rely on whatever social connections you currently have to breed more.

In the beginning you might have to hang out with needy or socially weird people who you may feel are below you, but eventually by continuing to go out you’ll meet their friends, some of which who will be somewhat less needy, and then you can begin hanging out with people who are slightly more compatible with you.

As you continue through the process you’ll find yourself being less and less outcome dependent in social situations and soon you’ll find you’ve developed a social circle of people you really enjoy being around, and from that point you’re gold.

Time waits for no one. Everyday you’re getting one day closer to death, and nobody knows when their time is. Abundance fuels more abundance so make the decision to establish an upward spiral in whatever it is you want out of life TODAY. Don’t wait until tomorrow because you might not get it.

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